Kasandra Noel Dengate

Okay, so for those of you who don't know 2 years ago to this day my now best friend had a heart attack at the age of 16. We had known each other for a few years but had never really hung out, honestly at first I thought she was weird. ( and yes I still do, but I love her for it).  I'm sure she thought that I was stuck up and awkward :). Before her heart attack I had always wanted to talk to her but was too well you know me, shy. So I backed out, every time and just slid into the back ground. Which I must say I am quite good at.
The day of her heart attack however I was not at school because of doctor appointments so I found out from mutual friends via text and Facebook...(oh technology).  From the moment I Found out something was different. It was like If you ever want a friend and to be a friend in high school here is your chance.
For of those of you who don't know high school was hard for me, I didn't know how to make friends and keep them in my town. I almost gave up many of times and wanted to transfer school so many times. Convinced that my old reputation wouldn't follow me. But as Kassie fought for her life, she saved mine.
I have never told her this, or most of it. Most of this next part is for her, but feel free to read away:
Kassie you saved my life. You taught me that I can't run away from my problems. That even though life sometimes sucks you have to fight through it. You never gave up and you never complained, unlike me who was worried about who did or did not like me. You taught me its okay to be different and to be who you want to be. That if people don't like who you are that is their problem. Life is too short to care.( a concept I am still trying to grasp). It could be over at anytime and that it. You make me want to be the best I can be, to love, and care for those who don't deserve it and those who do. You gave me my only wish I wanted to accomplish in high school (other than good grades of course) and that was to have a friend who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. You gave me back the joy in life, especially at school, you made me feel like I wasn't as outcastish (yes I just made that up) as I once thought. Therefore Kasandra Noel Dengate, you might not know why you survived, but I do. You will save thousands of lives, just like mine just by being you. 

Our friendship has been a ride but I love every moment of it. From the car rides to our adventures in sultan (need i say more??) From pool tables to movies, back creepy alleys to get slurpees. I love you, turtle, without the shell, purple play-dough, pillow... and thank you for saving my life simply by fighting for and living out yours.

Change...

These last few days have been full of sleepless nights, long talks, many mistakes, and tears. Something about the emptiness of J-term does that to me, allowing my mind to soar every which way it wants to. Back to past hurt and future joy. Most of this thinking leads to utter confusion, however, not knowing what is going to happen has always freaked me out, but not knowing who I am anymore, honestly, brings me to tears every time. 

Some of you know why I moved across country to go to school and others have no clue, but for the sake of this blog i'm going to leave it at i needed a fresh start. No reputation, No being the shadow of my older sisters. What I did not realize though is I had no idea who I was (am) or who I wanted to become. Creating a little bit of a problem. So the out spoken, quiet girl in high school ( yes I realize that is contradictory) just became silent. So here I sit. The girl who only hung out with boys who was one of the boys, now only has a few boys she talks to and even less that she is friends. The girl who used to flirt like crazy and move from boy to boy like no ones business, is now, even after 2 years of being single, terrified of getting hurt. But longs for God to bring that someone into her life, and make things work. 

So here I sit. Since coming here I have been told I can be very intimidating, which I have known my whole life. What 6 foot tall girl is not going to be? However, it has never bothered me until know, and I don't know why. I guess it maybe because I am so tired of stereo-types. I know, I know they are everywhere, but really people have told me they didn't want to talk to me because they thought Iwas going to be mean or what not. Just because I have been shy ever since moving here, and its driving me crazy. I feel like people are judging me like they do when selecting a book, by its cover. 

God has been teaching me many things this week, 

1) you can not run away from your problems; they will just follow you.

2) we can not find who we are through our own self

3)I am way way way to hard on myself.

4) I have been protecting myself from hurt with my quietness.

5) If I want to be able to change, I have to be willing to let people love/ hurt me again, and let God take control of my life. and lastly,

6) Patience and forgiveness

People often perceive a person, in the same way the that person feels about themselves. ( thank you psych. class) Therefore, if I let God be in control of my life, other people should be able to see that something is different about me, and will be one of the first steps of finding who I am. I have got to say I am scared, because I know old habits of protection will come to the surface in the process. But I am determined because I know in the end it will be worth it, even if it is only for me.............................