Contents of this blog were written, late and without proof reading: and probably will not make sense.
Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and seen something strange staring back? This has been happening almost every morning lately. I do not know the Girl that is staring back at me nor do I know if I like it. I guess i'm in between the girl I used to be and the girl I'm becoming, and to be honest i'm scared. I guess its called growing up and finding yourself. The boy crazed girl, who flirted with every guy in sight, has become the girl, who believes if A guy wants her enough they will fight for her. I never thought I would be content with myself, with being single, or life. Sure I miss home, my friends who know my crazy side (Kass, Sheldon, Jamie you know what i'm getting at....).
But life, alone, quietly waiting, has never been so fulfilling. I have learned more about myself in the last few months then i did all 12 years at home. I don't need others to tell me how I should feel or act, I am me, and that's enough.
I still make mistakes, i'm still awkward and a little crazy, but i'm beginning to become confident in myself and God, and not others. However, its still a daily fight for my life, a fight with the mirror, and a fight with myself. I figure, I'm going to let the secret out of the bag in class in a few weeks when i teach a lesson on the effects of eating disorders, so why not now. Judge what you will, I frankly don't care anymore. I'm tired of people tip toeing around it, apologizing after they make a joke. When i could care less. If you have a question, be straight forward and ask it, being "healthy" for 2 years means your healthy. It doesn't mean however, your urges and fears go away. Am I still afraid of food? TERRIFIED! but I eat it, because I know, its what is needed for life, And I wont let Ana. take my life again. Do I eat weird? Lets just say I eat like a baby rabbit. I avoid foods all together because I can't pull myself to eat them, because they are either my trigger foods or simply they are still too high calorie. Do I still see myself as fat and ugly every time I eat? Yes. Every. Time. Every. Single. Time.....
I guess what i'm trying to say, even though i'm beginning to see my worth in this world, I am still trapped by my past. I don't understand or see my beauty yet, even though I know I am. Glancing in the mirror hurts but it is becoming easier. I see glimpses of my beauty and actually am starting to feel it. I have a past, but I am now choosing to not let it define me. I'm tired of being scared and controlled by a number. I'm done. Beauty isn't a number, a shape, or size. Its a feeling of content, that every human deserves...
