Food...

An easy thing for most so why is it so hard for me? It seems like no matter what happens or what I do, it all comes down to food. Am I going to limit my intake or binge, what am I going to eat. Will I be healthy or unhealthy today. I hate it now I've been noticing how much I compare what i'm eating to what others are. Seeing the massive amounts of food in the DC and the massive amounts of unhealthy foods on peoples plates.
I so wish I could eat them and not feel bad, that I could eat with out thinking about calories and sugar and blah blah blah. I HATE IT!!! I know people are going to look at this and be like whatever who even cares, and you know what I DO. For once i'm taking a stand and seeing that I am still sick but I am also striving to get better. One day at a time and one meal at a time. I'm striving to find a balance in what I eat and when.  Making it so I don't have to worry about food 24/7. I just want to live a normal life be able to eat a slice of pizza with out feeling so incredibly guilty about it. Not having to eat a salad every meal of the day and making up for my calories in granola or sugar. To not feel fat if I miss a work out or 5 a week. I'm in college, i'm a healthy weight, I have friends, and a amazing God. Why am I not happy!? WHY CAN I STILL NOT GET IT RIGHT WITH FOOD???

Crushing.....

Crushing is not a fun experience for me....Always getting my hopes up, only to get hurt because well i'm me. Maybe this time is different I don't know, maybe he actually likes me too.. Ahhhh i'm turning into such a girl...Always thinking about him, when I see him I get sooo shy and timid. I mean I normally shy but this is getting stupid. I don't know. After not letting myself get close to people for 2 years I don't know how to do this anymore. Lets just say, I completely fail at being a girl, and flirting, and knowing what I want. Well I know what I want this time, I just don't know how to make it happen. Maybe I will sit back and see how this one plays out instead of making all the first moves. Yep that sounds like a good plan, i'll go with that one. The end....

Opening eyes...

Why is it that when you choose to open up your eyes and look out everything seems so much brighter. When you stop worrying about every little detail of you life, things seem so much more fun? When you let yourself love you can finally feel it. Gah I love it sooo much... Even today when I felt like crap, I was in a good mood. I don't think i've been in this good of mood for a while. God is soo good. and I think that we miss that sometimes. I had been so busy searching for love in all the wrong places that I was missing his love for me and all the love he has surrounded me with. I have so many friends and joyous people  with smiles that make my heart melt around me, not to mention a family who would do pretty much anything for me....
And now i'm just rambling so this blog is really short but I kinda don't really care.... because what happens happens and it happens for a reason :) okay. Bed is calling my name and that is all...

"Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical."

~Sophia Lauren

Torn.

Contents of this blog were written, late and without proof reading: and probably will not make sense.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and seen something strange staring back? This has been happening almost every morning lately. I do not know the Girl that is staring back at me nor do I know if I like it. I guess i'm in between the girl I used to be and the girl I'm becoming, and to be honest i'm scared. I guess its called growing up and finding yourself. The boy crazed girl, who flirted with every guy in sight, has become the girl, who believes if A guy wants her enough they will fight for her. I never thought I would be content with myself, with being single, or life. Sure I miss home, my friends who know my crazy side (Kass, Sheldon, Jamie you know what i'm getting at....). But life, alone, quietly waiting, has never been so fulfilling. I have learned more about myself in the last few months then i did all 12 years at home. I don't need others to tell me how I should feel or act, I am me, and that's enough.
I still make mistakes, i'm still awkward and a little crazy, but i'm beginning to become confident in myself and God, and not others. However, its still a daily fight for my life, a fight with the mirror, and a fight with myself. I figure, I'm going to let the secret out of the bag in class in a few weeks when i teach a lesson on the effects of eating disorders, so why not now. Judge what you will, I frankly don't care anymore. I'm tired of people tip toeing around it, apologizing after they make a joke. When i could care less. If you have a question, be straight forward and ask it, being "healthy" for 2 years means your healthy. It doesn't mean however, your urges and fears go away. Am I still afraid of food? TERRIFIED! but I eat it, because I know, its what is needed for life, And I wont let Ana. take my life again. Do I eat weird? Lets just say I eat like a baby rabbit. I avoid foods all together because I can't pull myself to eat them, because they are either my trigger foods or simply they are still too high calorie. Do I still see myself as fat and ugly every time I eat? Yes. Every. Time. Every. Single. Time.....
I guess what i'm trying to say, even though i'm beginning to see my worth in this world, I am still trapped by my past. I don't understand or see my beauty yet, even though I know I am. Glancing in the mirror hurts but it is becoming easier. I see glimpses of my beauty and actually am starting to feel it. I have a past, but I am now choosing to not let it define me. I'm tired of being scared and controlled by a number. I'm done. Beauty isn't a number, a shape, or size. Its a feeling of content, that every human deserves...

Kasandra Noel Dengate

Okay, so for those of you who don't know 2 years ago to this day my now best friend had a heart attack at the age of 16. We had known each other for a few years but had never really hung out, honestly at first I thought she was weird. ( and yes I still do, but I love her for it).  I'm sure she thought that I was stuck up and awkward :). Before her heart attack I had always wanted to talk to her but was too well you know me, shy. So I backed out, every time and just slid into the back ground. Which I must say I am quite good at.
The day of her heart attack however I was not at school because of doctor appointments so I found out from mutual friends via text and Facebook...(oh technology).  From the moment I Found out something was different. It was like If you ever want a friend and to be a friend in high school here is your chance.
For of those of you who don't know high school was hard for me, I didn't know how to make friends and keep them in my town. I almost gave up many of times and wanted to transfer school so many times. Convinced that my old reputation wouldn't follow me. But as Kassie fought for her life, she saved mine.
I have never told her this, or most of it. Most of this next part is for her, but feel free to read away:
Kassie you saved my life. You taught me that I can't run away from my problems. That even though life sometimes sucks you have to fight through it. You never gave up and you never complained, unlike me who was worried about who did or did not like me. You taught me its okay to be different and to be who you want to be. That if people don't like who you are that is their problem. Life is too short to care.( a concept I am still trying to grasp). It could be over at anytime and that it. You make me want to be the best I can be, to love, and care for those who don't deserve it and those who do. You gave me my only wish I wanted to accomplish in high school (other than good grades of course) and that was to have a friend who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. You gave me back the joy in life, especially at school, you made me feel like I wasn't as outcastish (yes I just made that up) as I once thought. Therefore Kasandra Noel Dengate, you might not know why you survived, but I do. You will save thousands of lives, just like mine just by being you. 

Our friendship has been a ride but I love every moment of it. From the car rides to our adventures in sultan (need i say more??) From pool tables to movies, back creepy alleys to get slurpees. I love you, turtle, without the shell, purple play-dough, pillow... and thank you for saving my life simply by fighting for and living out yours.

Change...

These last few days have been full of sleepless nights, long talks, many mistakes, and tears. Something about the emptiness of J-term does that to me, allowing my mind to soar every which way it wants to. Back to past hurt and future joy. Most of this thinking leads to utter confusion, however, not knowing what is going to happen has always freaked me out, but not knowing who I am anymore, honestly, brings me to tears every time. 

Some of you know why I moved across country to go to school and others have no clue, but for the sake of this blog i'm going to leave it at i needed a fresh start. No reputation, No being the shadow of my older sisters. What I did not realize though is I had no idea who I was (am) or who I wanted to become. Creating a little bit of a problem. So the out spoken, quiet girl in high school ( yes I realize that is contradictory) just became silent. So here I sit. The girl who only hung out with boys who was one of the boys, now only has a few boys she talks to and even less that she is friends. The girl who used to flirt like crazy and move from boy to boy like no ones business, is now, even after 2 years of being single, terrified of getting hurt. But longs for God to bring that someone into her life, and make things work. 

So here I sit. Since coming here I have been told I can be very intimidating, which I have known my whole life. What 6 foot tall girl is not going to be? However, it has never bothered me until know, and I don't know why. I guess it maybe because I am so tired of stereo-types. I know, I know they are everywhere, but really people have told me they didn't want to talk to me because they thought Iwas going to be mean or what not. Just because I have been shy ever since moving here, and its driving me crazy. I feel like people are judging me like they do when selecting a book, by its cover. 

God has been teaching me many things this week, 

1) you can not run away from your problems; they will just follow you.

2) we can not find who we are through our own self

3)I am way way way to hard on myself.

4) I have been protecting myself from hurt with my quietness.

5) If I want to be able to change, I have to be willing to let people love/ hurt me again, and let God take control of my life. and lastly,

6) Patience and forgiveness

People often perceive a person, in the same way the that person feels about themselves. ( thank you psych. class) Therefore, if I let God be in control of my life, other people should be able to see that something is different about me, and will be one of the first steps of finding who I am. I have got to say I am scared, because I know old habits of protection will come to the surface in the process. But I am determined because I know in the end it will be worth it, even if it is only for me.............................

ending of the hard one.

When you open up your heart its amazing what might happen. I never thought that once i opened myself up friendships would follow. The first semester of college has been a roller coaster, but i wouldn't change any of it. I am not the girl i was when i came here, being afraid is not the option. No one is going to tell you what to do you have to decide that on your own. Well time to go write a paper....aka watch a movie.... I love you all!! 11 days!!!!