Change...

These last few days have been full of sleepless nights, long talks, many mistakes, and tears. Something about the emptiness of J-term does that to me, allowing my mind to soar every which way it wants to. Back to past hurt and future joy. Most of this thinking leads to utter confusion, however, not knowing what is going to happen has always freaked me out, but not knowing who I am anymore, honestly, brings me to tears every time. 

Some of you know why I moved across country to go to school and others have no clue, but for the sake of this blog i'm going to leave it at i needed a fresh start. No reputation, No being the shadow of my older sisters. What I did not realize though is I had no idea who I was (am) or who I wanted to become. Creating a little bit of a problem. So the out spoken, quiet girl in high school ( yes I realize that is contradictory) just became silent. So here I sit. The girl who only hung out with boys who was one of the boys, now only has a few boys she talks to and even less that she is friends. The girl who used to flirt like crazy and move from boy to boy like no ones business, is now, even after 2 years of being single, terrified of getting hurt. But longs for God to bring that someone into her life, and make things work. 

So here I sit. Since coming here I have been told I can be very intimidating, which I have known my whole life. What 6 foot tall girl is not going to be? However, it has never bothered me until know, and I don't know why. I guess it maybe because I am so tired of stereo-types. I know, I know they are everywhere, but really people have told me they didn't want to talk to me because they thought Iwas going to be mean or what not. Just because I have been shy ever since moving here, and its driving me crazy. I feel like people are judging me like they do when selecting a book, by its cover. 

God has been teaching me many things this week, 

1) you can not run away from your problems; they will just follow you.

2) we can not find who we are through our own self

3)I am way way way to hard on myself.

4) I have been protecting myself from hurt with my quietness.

5) If I want to be able to change, I have to be willing to let people love/ hurt me again, and let God take control of my life. and lastly,

6) Patience and forgiveness

People often perceive a person, in the same way the that person feels about themselves. ( thank you psych. class) Therefore, if I let God be in control of my life, other people should be able to see that something is different about me, and will be one of the first steps of finding who I am. I have got to say I am scared, because I know old habits of protection will come to the surface in the process. But I am determined because I know in the end it will be worth it, even if it is only for me.............................